bad days

i once said... 'if you've never seen a bad day, you'll never see a good one'. well, i must be due for one hell of a fantabulously, glorious day because the past few have been the worst in a long, long time. and today... well, today's the fuckin' icing on the cake!

let's see, to start with there's always the proverbial 'financial difficulties', then there's the 'it's complicated' kind of relationship (unless you want to just call it a 'complication'), kids, jobs, family, friends and even the bloody weather (like OMFG... it's plus 9, the sun is shining and it's fucking snowing, how the hell is that even possible?). anyway, back to the topic at hand (don't worry, the vent will end soon enough)... the dirty dishes, the phone not working properly, blah, blah, blah... the fact that when you have tonnes of time on your hands, it seems everyone else is crazy busy and when you're busy, you just can't find NO time at all. and all those rediculously sappy and pathetic 'i love you' songs on channel 48-weather channel of which i am just too lazy to get up and change. not to mention the seemingly endless images of couples 'in love'; on the TV, on the bus, in the fucking restaurant, at work, in movie clips, on magazine covers, walking down the street hand in hand right outside my living room window, that goddamned fly that's been buzzin' around my apartment for the last month or so and the simple fact that i've had to light my cigarette 3 fucking times just to smoke it! will someone just... shoot me now!!!... bring me
back later, though, k? alright... all done with
the vent, i think, for now.

on a lighter note... see this girl here, i love the the bejeezuzzes outta her. i wish i could of seen my ashton kick butt last night at sargeant park (they were 4th out of 5, but they did play good is what i hear). i was working, unfortunately. she's jus' 'bout the coolest kid on the planet. prolly my bestest friend in this life. blessed, am i. ask anyone who knows her or who's met her, she's the best! she gets along with everyone and anyone, even you (no matter your age; 3 months, 3 years or even 53). she has no qualms when it comes to chillin' with a 7 year old girl who wants to play with her polly pockets (not that that's ashton's favourite past time, believe me!) nor does she have qualms when it comes to hangin' with me and some friends of mine. she's real, she's honest and she's straight forward with her perceptions of you, good and bad. personally, i think that's a character trait deserving of some praise... we all too easily alter how we behave or what we speak simply because we worry or are afraid of hurting someones feelings but, hey! if it is, it is! simple as that! just one of the things i love 'bout
you ash! xox

and then there's this guy, my ONE. miss the fuck outta him. seems that sometimes i miss him more than i actually spend time with him. and when i am spending time with him it's usually with others... it's all good though. if we're alone we're usually bored, trying to figure on what to do or, um hmmm, well, won't go there. but the problem is, i guess, when you fall in love with someone you don't make a conscious decision based on who or what that person is, it's all about the heart. maybe that's why falling in love is such a beautiful thing. but when you decide to give your love to someone it's well, obviously... all about conscious decisions. i won't go any further with that though, because what he and i think and feel about all that stuff is for he and i alone, and frankly, i think it's still being 'worked out' to put it nicely. the outcome though, when and if it comes to being, i will most certainly announce loud and clear!

i love ya all
all the ways you are
and always

little bits of me

pretty simple really, a bit of a read, but still simple; i hate the cold, i hate the snow, i hate self- righteous and boorish individuals. i like butterflies and i love dogs but don't much like living with cats; they're clingy, too small to keep you warm and think they're THE SHIT! when really, all they do is take what they can get and leave you, your furniture and all your clothes covered in fucking cat hair. and their litter box stinks like... well, like SHIT!

i love how all of nature and man-kind cannot 'be' without all its other parts; even as simple or redundant as those parts may seem to be---we just can't 'be' without everything else 'be'ing what it is, and i love how at any and every given moment in time all those things and ourselves have changed simply because time has changed.

i admire the ideals of buddhism, am taken with pagan ways and abhor the beliefs of christianity, but to each his/her own, right? like i said above; "none of us could 'be' without all our other parts".

i am sickened by misuse of authority at most any level but more so in some instances than others (i am after all, simply human).

i've had a boyfriend or two, or a few, or more and am still no more or less innocent than yourself. not stupid, but sometimes naive. not a genius either, but that's probably why i'm able to retain, at minimum, a ‘half-sane’ status after all the times i've spent here.

i can love and very much dislike aspects of you (whoever you may be) at the same time, and i show dislike to pretty much no one unless they show extremely aggressive dislike toward me or even, themselves. and in cases of the latter i seriously contemplate whether to offer help, silently feel pity, or simply ignore for fear of being abused or taken advantage of myself.

i smoke and i drink and i swear, i've done worse and i've done better. i've hated myself and regretted decisions and actions, even words that i've spoken. at certain times i am so pleased with who/what i am and what i stand up for and believe in and at other times i simply detest my own behaviours (for at some moments in my life i have felt that they, my behaviours are what ultimately define me), but they most certainly are not! i've skipped job interviews, ditched jobs, hung up on annoying telemarketers and even on friends and family members when i fear that they may get the last word in before me. i've told lies and kept secrets, i hug my kid everyday and i tell her i love her. and the one i don't see, audrey... i hug you in my heart. my girl... i love you no less, but everyday more and more.

i don't believe we learn by way of punishment rather, through understanding. although i do wish i were able to differentiate whether or not some people's repetitively unliked or, wrong behaviours are due to pushing my limits (to see what one can squeeze outta me) or simply an innately misdirected character trait on their part.

my bf has never spent my birthday with me, or halloween, or xmas, or even easter for that matter, but vents on the fact that i did not spend his most recent with him. i believe that what you give is eventually what you get, that we are not the ones who get to choose when or even if that happens during this lifetime and that even though you give positivity and maybe even compassion today, you may still be owed some negativity from past, think that's something to do with karma. i think expecting what you think you deserve or even apologizing in expectation of same is pointless and that you can only truly appreciate such gratitude and acceptance when and if you are sincere in all your ways, always.

i think farts are funny, funnier when they are owned to Moi! HA HA ha ha ha! i twirl my hair to the point that it works itself into literal knots. and i know it irritates some, but i crack my knuckles, toes and even my neck at times and it feels sooooo good to do so!

i don't believe in equality so much as i believe in balance, or maybe the attempt at such. i am libra after all, scales of balance. and really, how often are they truly balanced? for those of you who believe that sensitivity, as a character trait, is a flaw of such, you are so wrong. the only flaw is in not acknowledging such as being a part of you. and i believe that part of the love which man and woman share is of unconditionally accepting the whole of that ONE person and together, making a choice to grow as one.

there! that's all for now, think i'm done.

tired of typing anyhoo.

most likely... TBC, so check back if you feel so inclined.

photo - rjmartin 2008