a short, sweet and silly... but true story

i was once given something. a gift, one might say. a gift disowned by its previous owner and left for junk. the day billy offered this gift to me was its lucky day. from that moment on, and for quite some time after, this gift lived a life certainly not lacking of interest nor excitement.

he was big and heavy set, awkward, bulky and somewhat blue when he came to me. he stayed with me for a while and was quite content. he was so well trained that sometimes, all one had to do was push a button and he did what you wanted. as well... so content was he, that very shortly after being introduced into his new home with me, all the colour in his face seemed to just magically reappear. i think it may have had to do with all the attention he was given almost 24/7.

then, one awful, awful day occurred. billy and I argued. feelings were hurt, trust even broken, and unfortunately some resentment, i'm sure, is still held in regards to the topic of that argument.

needless to say, this gift was forcefully removed from my possession as a means of retaliation. i watched helplessly as my gift was escorted away. i thought it was the end. and i thought it was goodbye. as happy as this gift seemed to be with me, he just wasn't wired for a life with only one, or maybe... just not with me. he had to be free.

the day he was removed from my home he was on his way to visit with billy's older brother, justin. justin's realization that control of this gift (originally meant for me) would not be as easy as first thought without the right buttons being pushed is what led to my gift's moving on yet again. this time to a close friend of justin's... mark.

this is where it starts to get a bit confusing, so pay close attention. you see justin's friend mark has a son... casey. and casey has a few mutual friends with all of whom are involved in this story. but until we all had become aware of this gift that was given, some of us were not completely aware as to the extent of this mutuality. in fact, some may still, even today not be as aware as they should.

it seems though, that as much as this gift of mine could not be had by just one, he also couldn't stand to be away for too long. his destiny was to return to me one day, but not until experiencing his independence.

upon leaving my home, visiting with billy's brother justin and then moving on to stay with mark he was also able to get to know casey (mark's son, remember?) as well as jeremy. jeremy is a good friend of casey's who had been rooming with mark and casey for a time, but also a friend of mine through my best friend sherry. sherry's ex, danny (who i also went to high school with, long before i met sherry) is cousin to jeremy, which also makes him 2nd cousin to sherry's daughter carley. danny and carley though, are irrelevant to this story but sherry's boyfriend at the time, dave, had also happened to have formed a friendship with jeremy during the span of sherry and dave's relationship. this is one of the reasons why I should not have been surprised (but ironically, i was almost in a state of shock and definitely, disbelief) when I received a phone call from sherry one day informing me that my gift had somehow managed to get himself over to her place and is now chillin' right there in the middle of her living room floor. shocked and filled with disbelief I had to see this for myself. so I trekked on over to sherry's. lo and behold, there he was, sitting calmly, quiet and submissive to all around him... my gift.

it seems that as jeremy was shifting residences from mark and casey's to sherry and dave's, he took my gift with him. if you're still a bit confused let me try to clarify... jeremy you see, was the one, the only one, the 'tour guide' (you might say) to my gift's many travels, the one who knew of my gift's every move and whereabouts throughout this whole ordeal. jeremy was connected to each and every one of us involved in this story directly (including the giver of my gift), whereas the rest of us were connected directly to only some of the others. jeremy even knew of my gift's existence very shortly after it was given, long before that day he was escorted away from me.

well, months upon months later, even more than a full year had passed from the day my gift was taken. jeremy found himself in need of yet another residence. i generously (once again) offered the upstairs of my house as an apartment to him, for this would be the second time jeremy and I were to be roommates. he graciously accepted. and guess what came along for the ride. that's right... my gift, i call it my full circle gift... can you guess what the gift was?

thank you billy. :D

story - rjmartin 2008

bad days

i once said... 'if you've never seen a bad day, you'll never see a good one'. well, i must be due for one hell of a fantabulously, glorious day because the past few have been the worst in a long, long time. and today... well, today's the fuckin' icing on the cake!

let's see, to start with there's always the proverbial 'financial difficulties', then there's the 'it's complicated' kind of relationship (unless you want to just call it a 'complication'), kids, jobs, family, friends and even the bloody weather (like OMFG... it's plus 9, the sun is shining and it's fucking snowing, how the hell is that even possible?). anyway, back to the topic at hand (don't worry, the vent will end soon enough)... the dirty dishes, the phone not working properly, blah, blah, blah... the fact that when you have tonnes of time on your hands, it seems everyone else is crazy busy and when you're busy, you just can't find NO time at all. and all those rediculously sappy and pathetic 'i love you' songs on channel 48-weather channel of which i am just too lazy to get up and change. not to mention the seemingly endless images of couples 'in love'; on the TV, on the bus, in the fucking restaurant, at work, in movie clips, on magazine covers, walking down the street hand in hand right outside my living room window, that goddamned fly that's been buzzin' around my apartment for the last month or so and the simple fact that i've had to light my cigarette 3 fucking times just to smoke it! will someone just... shoot me now!!!... bring me
back later, though, k? alright... all done with
the vent, i think, for now.

on a lighter note... see this girl here, i love the the bejeezuzzes outta her. i wish i could of seen my ashton kick butt last night at sargeant park (they were 4th out of 5, but they did play good is what i hear). i was working, unfortunately. she's jus' 'bout the coolest kid on the planet. prolly my bestest friend in this life. blessed, am i. ask anyone who knows her or who's met her, she's the best! she gets along with everyone and anyone, even you (no matter your age; 3 months, 3 years or even 53). she has no qualms when it comes to chillin' with a 7 year old girl who wants to play with her polly pockets (not that that's ashton's favourite past time, believe me!) nor does she have qualms when it comes to hangin' with me and some friends of mine. she's real, she's honest and she's straight forward with her perceptions of you, good and bad. personally, i think that's a character trait deserving of some praise... we all too easily alter how we behave or what we speak simply because we worry or are afraid of hurting someones feelings but, hey! if it is, it is! simple as that! just one of the things i love 'bout
you ash! xox

and then there's this guy, my ONE. miss the fuck outta him. seems that sometimes i miss him more than i actually spend time with him. and when i am spending time with him it's usually with others... it's all good though. if we're alone we're usually bored, trying to figure on what to do or, um hmmm, well, won't go there. but the problem is, i guess, when you fall in love with someone you don't make a conscious decision based on who or what that person is, it's all about the heart. maybe that's why falling in love is such a beautiful thing. but when you decide to give your love to someone it's well, obviously... all about conscious decisions. i won't go any further with that though, because what he and i think and feel about all that stuff is for he and i alone, and frankly, i think it's still being 'worked out' to put it nicely. the outcome though, when and if it comes to being, i will most certainly announce loud and clear!

i love ya all
all the ways you are
and always

little bits of me

pretty simple really, a bit of a read, but still simple; i hate the cold, i hate the snow, i hate self- righteous and boorish individuals. i like butterflies and i love dogs but don't much like living with cats; they're clingy, too small to keep you warm and think they're THE SHIT! when really, all they do is take what they can get and leave you, your furniture and all your clothes covered in fucking cat hair. and their litter box stinks like... well, like SHIT!

i love how all of nature and man-kind cannot 'be' without all its other parts; even as simple or redundant as those parts may seem to be---we just can't 'be' without everything else 'be'ing what it is, and i love how at any and every given moment in time all those things and ourselves have changed simply because time has changed.

i admire the ideals of buddhism, am taken with pagan ways and abhor the beliefs of christianity, but to each his/her own, right? like i said above; "none of us could 'be' without all our other parts".

i am sickened by misuse of authority at most any level but more so in some instances than others (i am after all, simply human).

i've had a boyfriend or two, or a few, or more and am still no more or less innocent than yourself. not stupid, but sometimes naive. not a genius either, but that's probably why i'm able to retain, at minimum, a ‘half-sane’ status after all the times i've spent here.

i can love and very much dislike aspects of you (whoever you may be) at the same time, and i show dislike to pretty much no one unless they show extremely aggressive dislike toward me or even, themselves. and in cases of the latter i seriously contemplate whether to offer help, silently feel pity, or simply ignore for fear of being abused or taken advantage of myself.

i smoke and i drink and i swear, i've done worse and i've done better. i've hated myself and regretted decisions and actions, even words that i've spoken. at certain times i am so pleased with who/what i am and what i stand up for and believe in and at other times i simply detest my own behaviours (for at some moments in my life i have felt that they, my behaviours are what ultimately define me), but they most certainly are not! i've skipped job interviews, ditched jobs, hung up on annoying telemarketers and even on friends and family members when i fear that they may get the last word in before me. i've told lies and kept secrets, i hug my kid everyday and i tell her i love her. and the one i don't see, audrey... i hug you in my heart. my girl... i love you no less, but everyday more and more.

i don't believe we learn by way of punishment rather, through understanding. although i do wish i were able to differentiate whether or not some people's repetitively unliked or, wrong behaviours are due to pushing my limits (to see what one can squeeze outta me) or simply an innately misdirected character trait on their part.

my bf has never spent my birthday with me, or halloween, or xmas, or even easter for that matter, but vents on the fact that i did not spend his most recent with him. i believe that what you give is eventually what you get, that we are not the ones who get to choose when or even if that happens during this lifetime and that even though you give positivity and maybe even compassion today, you may still be owed some negativity from past, think that's something to do with karma. i think expecting what you think you deserve or even apologizing in expectation of same is pointless and that you can only truly appreciate such gratitude and acceptance when and if you are sincere in all your ways, always.

i think farts are funny, funnier when they are owned to Moi! HA HA ha ha ha! i twirl my hair to the point that it works itself into literal knots. and i know it irritates some, but i crack my knuckles, toes and even my neck at times and it feels sooooo good to do so!

i don't believe in equality so much as i believe in balance, or maybe the attempt at such. i am libra after all, scales of balance. and really, how often are they truly balanced? for those of you who believe that sensitivity, as a character trait, is a flaw of such, you are so wrong. the only flaw is in not acknowledging such as being a part of you. and i believe that part of the love which man and woman share is of unconditionally accepting the whole of that ONE person and together, making a choice to grow as one.

there! that's all for now, think i'm done.

tired of typing anyhoo.

most likely... TBC, so check back if you feel so inclined.

photo - rjmartin 2008

her name is ashton...

and she da shizznit! the bees knees! the most absolute fantabulous gr 8 bball player i know. she’ll put some of you ‘boys’ to shame or at least jump at the chance to try. this is her 3rd year playing, last year she was mvp for gr7 girls’ basketball and she’d probably kill me if she knew i was tellin’ y’all. anyway, jus a lil sumpin 'bout ma girl, the koolest kat ‘round. sorry kat, but thanks for the use of your name.

photo - rjmartin 2008

tha's ma girl!

she is utterly detested with this image. why, i don’t know. i think it’s absolutely awesome. i usually hear something along the lines of... “don't facebook that mom, pleeease!" or "i hate it! take it down!”

we were out one night riding just behind her school and i simply asked her to hold her bike up in front of her. i was counting on the lighting to work out just the way it did but the outcome was far better than what i had envisioned, i’m so much more than satisfied with this one. this was actually the second shot attempt at it though, she is so eager to pose for the cam but extremely impatient when it comes to waiting for me (or the photographer) to do their part.

p.s. i plan to enter this, as one of a few actually, into the photo life magazine’s image international photo contest, so wish me a little luck, eh! and check back here come march '09 for the contest results (regardless of my own placing). you just never know though!

photo - rjmartin 2008

solarize or sabatier?

sabatier? well, i call it solar- ization. always have. guess i’m just a lot older than most of you. or maybe i’ve just been out of the loop (so to speak) for a while. ‘cuz really, when the hell did it happen that the term ‘solarization’ became ‘sabatier’? i think i must have slept in that day. so anyway, one day i was speaking with someone and referring to solariz... um, i mean sabatier and was wondering if maybe i was completely mistaken in assuming that the term sabatier had replaced solarization and so had to find out for sure. i wiki’d the term solarization and double checked spelling for sabatier and found that solarization refers to something physicists call electromagnetic radiation; the changing of the colour of a material which has been exposed to high levels of untraviolet light. is it coincidence that sabatier is also a french chemist’s name---paul sabatier? he was the nobel prize winner for chemistry in 1912. i’m just curious.

photo - rjmartin 1994

ssshhhhh... it's a secret

what attracted me to photo- graphy? i was quite young and i think i fell into it by accident but what kept me there, or kept me wanting to be there was the fact that when i went out to shoot with that camera i was in 'my' world; where no one could tell me i was wrong, where no one could tell me what to do and where no one could dictate to me how and/or when to do anything! and yes, i am stubborn, always will be.

there are a few things i hope to get out of the next ten months here at prairieview. most importantly though are the networking opportunities that i have already started building on both professionally and otherwise. as well, having previously studied basic business, self employment and photography, i'm anxious to delve into the 'business of photography' portion of this course. other than that all i want to do is explore and experience photography as it meshes with my own artistic and creative abilities as much as possible.

ps - i love dogs. rottis, danes, shepherds, boerbels, weimers, mastiffs and pits to name just a few and when i watch 'dog whisperer with cesar milan' i sometimes cry. no joke!

photo - rjmartin 2008